No Bash Zone- Our Husbands

Some women get together and list all the flaws of their husbands, rip them apart, laugh, joke and make fun of them.

What about the women that complain about their husband right in front of them – almost like he can’t hear? You know he totally can hear every word! You see their posture change as they literally seem deflated right before your eyes.

And the worst- those that flat out tell you they married for money, status, to have kids… and treat their spouse like trash.

Early in our marriage we had this one friend that just loved to bash husbands and John included. She would get on a soapbox and just rip men up. One day I’d had enough and I decided to take her to lunch and explain that as his wife I felt it was really toxic to my marriage if I sat and complained about my husband for several hours a week. I told her how much I loved her as a friend, but we would need to find new ways to connect or I just wouldn’t be able to hang out with her anymore. She decided to stop talking to me… I literally lost a friend because I wouldn’t bash my husband!

Trust and Honor

It seems simple, but your partner for life should be able to trust that you are going to honor them. When everything else in the world seems to be against them, they should have that trust that you are standing with them and you will honor them in all circumstances.

No matter what you are loyal to him and in your eyes even if something goes wrong, you are together and respect his ability to lead your family through anything. This doesn’t mean your opinions and contributions are less… it just means you respect his and he knows it.

Basic Respect

If you love someone you respect them. You may not like everything they do, but your love for them is deep enough that you respect their reputation. In fact you love them so much that you want to defend their character. There is a beautiful book called Love and Respect by ……. . In this book the author talks about how women want to be loved, treasured and feel the expression of that love. Meanwhile, men generally, feel loved when they are respected.

Men receive love completely differently than we think!

This book completely changes the way that you express the love you have in a way they receive!

WOMEN- WE MESS THIS UP SO BAD!!

While we think… I said I loved him, we hug every day several times, we watch tv together, I give him time to workout, I made him his favorite dinner, I even wrote a whole prayer for him in my journal today! All he wants… is to know that you are with him in the decision he made to take a risk on an investment at work. You appreciate the extra hours he puts in. You acknowledge the phone call he took on Sunday to get that deal. You respect his decision on discipline of your 12 year old. You support his lead in what church he thinks the family should go to. HE KNOWS YOU LOVE HIM BY THE RESPECT YOU GIVE.

Bonding is not Bashing

Women, we must unite in respecting our husbands, Honoring them with our words. If our connection to one another is tearing someone else down… that is disgusting and evil. We are so much more than that! I challenge you this year to really watch for this in your “girl groups”. Our bond as women needs to be on positive, uplifting things!

Being Different Isn’t being Less…

Our culture is very intentional about women being uplifted, respected and not looked as as less than men. That’s very important! This is not about that. We can be uplifted, respected and powerful AND respect our husbands. We do not dishonor or disrespect women by respecting and honoring men.

Quiet, Dream, Write it Down, and… GO!

This summer I found myself in a small apartment in Chicago with tons of time on my hands. (One of my daughters was at a dance workshop) I bought a notebook and started dreaming. On the front page I wrote some goals and put time frames to them. Then, because of the quiet, I was able to create an action plan to start chasing them. Just these few moments of quiet and reflection lit a fire in me to get some things done!

To date, three of the four goals I set in that simple yellow spiral have come to be! This blog being launched, my ballet book being in the editing phase by year end and finding a way to minister to moms (launched a new non-profit for working moms with a group of women). The forth one, is a longer term goal and requires a bit more family participation to accomplish. Stay tuned…

Quiet

The biggest enemy of our dreams is distraction. There are a million great things we can do, but very few of them are actually what we are supposed to be doing. I know it’s almost impossible with little ones, but I challenge you to find quiet. Even just 5 minutes after they go to bed to think, dream, write, reflect. NOT check social media, pin 10 birthday party ideas, watch some show… but really just be quiet and focus on you.

Dream and Write it Down

Take a pen and a piece of paper and think about what really fires you up. What passion in you is God stirring for something He wants changed in our world? Write it down. No matter how crazy or out of reach it is, write it down. All those ideas you have when you are supposed to be sleeping… write them down.

Go!

During the quiet time that you have planned for, create some action steps to chase these dreams. It can literally be one phone call a day, or scheduling a meeting with a few like minded friends, or taking one online class this semester. The dream can take time to accomplish, but if you do nothing it will never be!

Lies that will hold you back

this is selfish: No! You are balancing the unique things you were created for with the responsibilities and obligations you have.
this is too much: No! You are taking a designated amount of time and energy each day/week to focus on this and the progress may be slow but you are doing it!
this is stupid: No! I promise you there are hundreds of other people with the same passion/concern/desire as you. If you feel a tug on your heart to do something it’s because it’s part of who you were made to be… and that’s never stupid!
this isn’t the time: No! There will always be excuses. You have to find a way to make the time – even if it’s 5 minutes a week! This is who you were created to be…it’s always the right time to be you!

Kids Character Goals 2020

Read below for the story behind this picture.

What are the top character traits you want in your kids?

Let’s be honest, no one wants to instill amazing character in your kids more than you, but how do you get from the concept of honesty to the practice of being honest?

Writing down the goal is so much different than actually seeing the behavior being lived out in your children.

Today’s blog is an exercise… so get out a pad of paper, schedule a conversation with your spouse (or parenting team) and let’s strategically make a plan!

The Goal

Before we make the strategy we have to have the goal. The big picture. What are the 12 character traits you want to develop in your kids this year? Scratch out a list… it can change- but it’s a point to start from.

Here are a few links with ideas if you are stuck. https://afineparent.com/building-character/good-character-traits.html

Raising Great Kids: Developing the 24 Character Strengths

The Steps

Define the trait in a way kids can understand. For example, we wanted to teach selflessness… so we created the phrase: “Care more about others than you do about yourself.”
Create activities that teach what this trait is. For our example of selflessness: There are people that don’t have coats… instead of buying an upgrade on this game… lets buy a coat for the guy we see on the corner.
Repeat the phrase: Over the course of a month repeat the phrase that you created, in every situation and every day. From where we are going to eat, to what movie we are going to see – are you thinking more about others than you are about yourself? and allow your child to find a ways to act it out.
Praise them: When you see them applying the virtue – LET THEM KNOW. Make your acknowledgement far greater than the actual event- to exaggerate and emphasize how important this is!
Each week give a little more independence to the application of the virtue.

Week One– Repeat the phrase over and over and over. Have them say it with you. Find opportunities to show them someone modeling that behavior. Point it out when you are using that characteristic. It’s going to feel like you are a broken record. Teaching the virtue through play was always our favorite way. We would play restaurant and I’d be the guest with the “bad” behavior and then we’d talk about it and how CrAzY that guest was!

Week Two– Find the consequences of not having this character trait and point them out. (depending on age – explain appropriately) Teach them to have empathy about people lacking this trait and how it makes others feel. Repeat, repeat, repeat the phrase you’ve made. Keep pointing it out in others and making a big deal with they or you model this behavior.

Week Three– Have them find ways to model the character trait on their own. Make it a challenge to demonstrate this behavior 3 times each day or something like that. Ask questions about why it’s important to be xyz. Ask what happens when we are not xyz. Let them start putting it in their own words

Week Four– Look for wins. Have some kind of small prize or chart to celebrate when they are caught demonstrating that character trait.

Expect behavior change- and have consequences for failures.

Your children are capable of far more than we give them credit for. They need to know that you are expecting certain behaviors out of them – once you have taught and coached them. They need to have consequences for when they fail to exhibit changes in their character- after proper training.

For example, going with the theme of selflessness. IF in week 5 of this trait we see our daughter ignore the request of a friend to play a certain game when they are over for a play date…. we might pull the child aside and remind them of the virtue OR we might wait and say after… you chose to only do your way today and not think of others… so you need to find 3 ways to honor that friend and what he/she loves next week when we get together.

FALSE IDEAS (Trust me… these will pop up in your mind)

I think the most difficult thing to overcome is the idea that they don’t understand yet. Even children that are not verbal can understand discipline. Thinking we will tackle this when they are older is a terrible mistake. Even if you don’t capture the FULL meaning of a trait… it is far better to have started it at 3 than to have waited until 13.

Second, thinking that you need to work on 3-5 traits at a time is overwhelming. Yes, there are lots of things we want/need to train in our children, but you have time. Mastering one and making it a family focus for a whole 4 weeks makes it become a natural part of your life together. Next month, start the new training and keep reviewing back to previous months when you see an opportunity arise. In a few months you will have 3-5 phrases to use and quickly remind your child of an entire month of character training.

Labeling a child as unable or limited in an area is wrong! Never underestimate what your kids are capable of and do not put them in boxes – “insensitive”, “lazy”, “whiny” — These will become who they are if this is what you label and expect them to achieve. Instead, help them to grow and reject some of that negative behavior in exchange for positive, uplifting behavior.

The story behind the picture… This is my bold, brave, outgoing, fast paced, tough daughter. At a recent outreach event at a local church she was in charge of helping the narrators make their cues. One of the girls forgot a small portion of a line and was devastated. The child some could label “insensitive” wrapped her arms around that young girl and let her cry. She assured her no one knew the mistake and got her ready for her next cue. Compassion is something we work on – and on this day- it shone through Alexa’s awesome reaction to a tough situation.

It’s NOT too late! No matter how old your kids are, if they are still living with you – you have the ability and responsibility to invest in this! Obviously, this looks different for older children and if you’ve done some of the tough work when they are little you can refer back to those concepts when building more mature understandings of the application of that character trait.

Even just this week, I had a conversation with my 15 and 13 year old about etiquette when we host an event. They know the basics… but I stepped it up a notch. Telling them how to scan the room and make sure everyone is having a good time, has a drink, isn’t alone. We talked about walking a guest to the door to say goodbye and finding ways to connect people that might not know as many of the guests.

When you feel Blah…

I’ve been in a bit of a slump for a few weeks… nothing really happened to put me there… I just felt like I was going through the motions with everything. No one probably could tell, because that’s what we do – right ? We put on our normal faces and just keep going.

Last week I got really frustrated as I read through my goals for the month and realized I was falling behind on all of them. All because… of my lack of passion about really anything…was preventing me from accomplishing ANYTHING… I was just blah. All the important things were still happening.- Schoolwork with kids, hosting events, teaching my classes all keep going. But it was all on robot… not from my heart like it normally is.

Let me tell you when it’s not from my heart- it’s exhausting!

I had lots of excuses- we are so busy, I have no margin, I have to do this and this… before that…, It’s impossible, blah blah blah… It was this daily cycle of being discouraged, tackling the MUST BE DONE and not seeing a way to flip things around- so just keep going.

Then starts the negative self talk. “Why can’t you pull it together?” “Look how those other people are killing it- and you are barely pulling yourself through the day.” “You are supposed to be all together— if people only knew what a mess you are.”

John often notices when I’m in these funks. He doesn’t say anything. He just dives in and knows that the key to getting me out is to help me feel treasured and less overwhelmed by life.

Realistically though, it can’t always be my knight in shining armor that pulls me out of a slump. John will not always notice I’m slipping. Sometimes we might slip at the same time.

As John and I talked through some of these things I found myself realizing what had changed were some of the really important routines in my life.

So how do I put things in place to help me catch it myself and not get so completely overwhelmed?

Take (and give away) Control of Your Day!

For me I love to start with a morning prayer giving God my day- and telling Him I’m open to anything HE has for me. He knows I have things “planned”, but I give Him permission to interrupt with things that are more important or more aligned with HIS plan for my day.

Then, knowing as you begin each day/week what the top 3-5 priorities can really set you up for success. It takes the pressure off! If the other then things don’t get done, it’s okay because the priorities moved forward. I divide these things up into a couple lists.

Balance: Things that must be done to keep my mind and spirit in balance.

Mine are: Prayer and some worship music in the morning a then a short “regroup” before I head to the dance studio for the evening, and washing my face before bed.

Must get done: These are the things that must get done today. These are my top 3-5 tasks for the day. They are not negotiable and they are the priority.

Mine might be: update the website, create a flier, teach algebra lesson to kids, cook dinner for small group

I’d really like to: These are the things that I’ll work on if the “must get done” list gets finished. They are typically bigger projects or ideas that I may need to break down into smaller steps to accomplish.

Mine might be: brainstorm topics for blog, look up lesson plans for new book, watch a training video for dance, choose a new fireplace design

Things I can ask for help on: These are the things that someone else can do Often these are things others actually do better or enjoy more than me. They free me up to have time for other things. Or maybe someone can do this at a much higher quality than I would do.

Mine might be: paint a room, light office work, run errands, assemble furniture, or math

Identify What’s the source of the Blah….

When it comes down to it in these moments, there is something specific that is causing the blah. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! You are in control of so much more in your life than you think! If something isn’t working or is causing you to lose sleep, life, creativity- change it!

This time, for me, it was Algebra II. We home school and so I had put the girls in a co-op to handle this for me because I’m a ballerina- I’m not a math girl.

Shortly into the year, we discovered that the majority of the course work in my oldest’s class was going to be self taught with a TON of homework. which means… I’m teaching it and helping with homework. Exactly what I’d signed up NOT TO DO! Each week 1-2 hours was spent with me studying. Then 4-6 hours would be spent on teaching this terrible subject and then she’d do homework. Homework, which she didn’t understand because I’m a terrible algebra teacher (remember I’m a ballerina- we only count to 8) So homework would take us about 30 minutes for every 4 problems.

We made a decision. We needed a different approach. The moment we made this decision we all felt light… free… stress lifted, creativity came back, colors were brighter, food tasted better… well that might be a bit of an exaggeration… but not much.

Sometimes you just push through and sometimes you shift the plan. Either is fine… just don’t get stuck in the blah…

HELP…it’s ok to ask!

There are a million great ideas, projects, extras, little touches, chores, tasks, errands, lists… and there is just one me. In fact, this awesome list of amazing creative things that I want to accomplish can actually flip and be the source of so much guilt- I just can’t do it all…

Before I dive into the “help!” aspect of this, let me first say- we need to be more selective about what we tackle. We need to say no to things that don’t line up with our responsibilities, gifts and strengths. BUT what about when you don’t have a choice…

Child A has to go to choir performance, Child B has to go to dance and Child C is sick… what then? What about when you have a great idea for a teacher gift and just don’t have the time to pull it off? What about when you are out of town for work, but need to have errands run for your family back at home? Guess what… it’s OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!

We have this crazy mental block as moms that if we ask for help we are weak or not doing it all, or failing somehow as a mom, wife or woman with a career. I challenge you to think differently- if you ask for help you are actually able to multiply your impact and focus your own time on things that are specifically “YOU”.

Free Help

Don’t get caught up thinking- I can’t afford help. There are several ways you can get help without spending a dime.

Trade childcare hours with another mom. You get 3 hours on Tuesday…. She gets 3 on Friday. Create a little trading program with a small group of moms. This way you get the time to do your stuff AND you get some fun time with your kids and their friends!
Trade tasks with someone- I’ll make you a meal once a week if you can drive my kids home from dance. I can help teach your daughter piano – can you organize my kids closets this summer? Find out what your friends are good at or what they love to do and trade!
Your kids are capable of so much more than you think! Award privileges and screen time rewards to simple tasks that take things off your plate. (Sweep the porch, clean windows, sort socks, organize jewelry drawer, scan paperwork)

Apps and People that Help!

There are some amazing apps and people out there to help you outsource some of the things on your list each week and make the someday sooner for some of those things on your lists! I’ve used a lot of these apps so let me give you some feedback. You can have confidence as you tackle those projects!

Driving Help- MomTaxi is a great service in our area– but they have a HUGE wait list. So now what… driving my kids around takes so much of my time! Free- trade with another mom! OR pay a little and find a super responsible Senior in High School or a College student that wants a little income and let them pick up, drop off and be the driver a couple days a week. I’ve had my dance students drive my kids for years. My girls have some amazing young adult mentors because of this exchange.
Errands- I highly recommend using Favor, Takl or TaskRabbit to help execute your to-do lists faster! You can accomplish a full list of errands or home repairs WHILE YOU ARE AT WORK! Or if you’re a mom with little ones at home you get a morning full of errands done without loading and unloading them in the car all day!
Mommy’s Helper: Hire a teen, young adult or other mom to come just play for a few hours with your kids. so you can organize a closet or maybe you just want to take a shower and watch a show! NO guilt… these are people that want to hang out with your kid because they love them! My daughter LOVES to do this for the little ones at her gym. She get’s 20.00 and a mom gets 3 hours of whatever she wants to do. She is home to supervise… or not- as you get comfortable you can leave for a bit and know these people are investing in your kids and it’s a good thing!

https://www.taskrabbit.com/s/5vbqp/try?utm_source=trycode

https://app.takl.com/#_=_

An Assistant

Ok- before you say I can’t afford that… There is a value to your time. Remember you have a limited amount of time. Sometimes buying an hour or two back to do something else is way more valuable than it actually costs.

I pay someone for about 5-10 hours a week of help. These are the kinds of things I have them do… run to cleaners, donate items, put together gifts, light office work, returns, gift pickup, oil changes, car wash, vet and groomer appointments for pets, make calls requesting bids or scheduling appointments, creating Pinterest boards for events or ideas that I want to tackle, and organizing. If you go into this with a bullet point list – and set a budget THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

Uniquely You

We have goals and dreams that are bigger than running to the cleaners and returning an Amazon purchase. Find a way to outsource some of these tasks. You can reclaim the time to chase the things you are uniquely designed to do! Get more involved in the things that specifically line up with your gifts and joys!

Think of all the time you reclaim!! Do the things you wish you could do more of (play with your kids, read, write, study, cook, work…).

Right now- look at your week- and ask 4 Questions

What are 3 things that need done but don’t need ME to do them?
What is something I could teach my kids to do over the next weeks? Eventually have them take these on as their own responsibility?
Are there some things I am putting on my list that are only there because of external pressure?
What is one project I’ve been putting off – that if I just ask for a little help can get started?

Prep for the Week

Our weekdays are cRaZy! We pick up a bag and go… run in drop that bag-grab another and go… My car starts clean and by Friday it’s a war zone. We live life very full Monday- Friday and while we probably complain some, we REALLY love living busy! The ONLY way we can keep up the pace is to have some weekend prep that makes all the difference in how well we handle the week.

Meal Prep and Snack Pack

If you’re like us- if you don’t plan it out… Mealtime becomes what are we going to get on our way home or order from DoorDash? We WANT to eat healthy, energy rich meals, but without planning it just doesn’t happen.

On Sunday afternoon (on the good weeks), the girls and I will prep 2-3 meals and stock up with a few snack/breakfast items. I try to find things that all have similar ingredients and we can chop once and cook 3 meals. Or brown 2 lbs of beef and chop up 1 rotisserie chicken- 1 for spaghetti and 1 for tacos, and 1 sloppy joes. We get all the meals ready and then put in the frig. Then we make zip lock bags of snacks for quick grab and go- carrots, grapes, strawberries, or cashews are some of our favorites. Here are just a few of our favorite cheats for a good week.

Protein Bites – peanut butter, Nutella, oatmeal then add as desired: chocolate chips, flax seeds, raisins, rice cereal, coconut… Roll into balls and refrigerate.
Egg Bites- Brown Sausage or Bacon and then whip up eggs. Add as desired: cilantro, mushrooms, tomato, onion…. Pour into a mini muffin pan and bake until cooked through. Refrigerate and then pull out to microwave for a fast healthy breakfast.
Pancakes- I will either mix all the batter the night before and just refrigerate OR I will actually make the pancakes and just heat them up in the morning. Chop up some fruit and it’s their favorite breakfast done really easily!

Calendar

A quick run through the week on my calendar and I make a few lists. This is best done when John and I can do it together because then we can divide up tasks, driving, and be on the same page for the week

Events that need a purchase – birthday gift, bridal shower.
Home appointments or projects that need a decision or purchase- paint color, new lightbulbs.
Schedule things that are weird- orthodontist appointment, early out at school
a list of small objectives for each day that will get me closer to some of my big goals. Read 30 minutes in a specific book, watch the training video, reach out to 3 people about xyz

5 Minute Refresh for Each Room

Take 5 minutes and go through each room just straighten up a bit. Put everything that does not belong in that room in a laundry basket. Fold the throw blanket, straighten the pillows, throw away the trash, wipe off a surface. Nothing big! You are NOT cleaning the room. You are simply giving it a refresh before the week begins. Best strategy is to get the whole family involved! Set the timer, blast some music and get going!

Plan Outfits – YOU Included

This doesn’t have to be a huge endeavor. Simply lay out a few matching options for the kids, think through if you or your husband are going to need something that is in the hamper or at the cleaners. You don’t have to plan every day- just think ahead if there is a special event- (photos, lunch, meeting, event).

Relax

Take some time to do something that is relaxing and fun! It can be anything from a jog to a nap! You need a little time where you can just be YOU… I used to love laying down on the floor and playing Barbies with the girls for an hour or making a loaf of pumpkin bread with a new recipe. Taking a quick walk around the block or reading a novel that has ABSOLUTELY NO EDUCATIONAL VALUE. Don’t feel guilty! Enjoy!

Chili- yes… Alegebra 2 – not so much!

As a home school mom there is this looming fear that you will mess up your kids. (I bet all moms feel this though). If your kid gets to the upper levels and have ANY difficulty- you failed. I mean, if they can’t just look at the problems and navigate instant answers– you instantly question what you did in preschool.

Why do we take the pressure of our kid’s success on ourselves? Why do we assume we messed up if they don’t instantly understand incredibly difficult subjects? Literally there are hundreds of tutors in Dallas BECAUSE algebra is tough! Why do I freak out for a whole afternoon because I cannot understand this subject enough to help?

I’m going to be really real here. Yesterday, I had a full out melt down. I outsourced these subjects this year because I know I am not good at them. AND YET- here I am trying to help with homework and TOTALLY NOT UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING!!! Instead of just saying, “let’s ask for some help”. I freaked out! I blamed everything from our schedule to our sweet dog… (he wants in and out and in and out… it’s exhausting!)

Reality?

So my husband is really good at reality- he is really good at reminding me of what is real in my head and what is made up fear. During our conversation (in the middle of my freak out) he made some excellent points. (just so you know- I never see these points in the moment… I mean I’m in the middle of freaking out… how could I? I usually see them a few hours later…)

Have we asked the teacher for help? This can’t be the first time a student has not understood.
We need our kids to know how to ask for help and how to break a problem down before they just jump and bail to a different program. (this will apply to jobs, relationships… in their adult lives)
We have not scheduled enough time to really even do the assignments- so some of the pressure may not be misunderstanding it may just be not enough time to handle the workload.
I live with a person that totally get’s math- (he literally has an economics degree) and I have not asked him to help. It’s highly possible the wrong parent is involved in this situation.

OK- I should have seen this coming- In my sophomore year I had the most amazing algebra teacher. Bless Mr Jordan…. he would put a bag of pretzels on my desk and his hand on my shoulder and say, “don’t cry while I teach this. I’ll be over as soon as I finish the lesson to help you.” I cried so many times in his class that he knew – he created songs and stayed late and gave me pretzels… because he knew it was not going to happen for me the way it did 90% of the students. Teachers like this… they impact you forever. I can still sing the quadratic equation if anyone would like to know…

Chili?

Same day… I made chili for a Bible class my husband is subbing for. Within 10 minutes of the chili being uncovered- it was gone. not bragging… My chili is good- I took my mom’s recipe and added green chilies, a billion beans and corn. Please don’t think I’m a brat… I’m just owning that I CAN MAKE CHILI AND I’M NOT GOOD AT ALGEBRA 2! In fact, that day I did more than make chili- I choreographed an entire dance, managed some transactions for our real estate investments, taught symbolism and imagery from a literary work by O Henry… all of which are in my sphere of gifting.

Reality and Chili…

The reality is that I don’t have to be good at ever subject my kids need to finish school! I don’t have to be perfect! It’s not important (or possible) for me to be able to BE everything ALL the time! What?

I can find tutors, provide coffee, find resources, line up help, encourage and push for excellence EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT MY SKILL SET! I can admit when I’m in over my head and LET other people help!

What’s yours?

We all have these- the areas we know are important to invest in our kids, but they are not our strengths. How are you going to identify and provide opportunity to your kids without taking the burden of the skill upon yourself?

What do you want them to have that you can’t provide?
How are you going to get them there?
Is this an area you want to grow in or are you okay to outsource it?
No matter what the approach you need to let the outcome be the responsibility of your child and hold THEM accountable. You don’t have to pass Algebra 2 again!
Do they need more help? A better balance of time? A snack? – These are things you can find ways to provide and yet support their individual success!

What is your Chili? The thing you are good at and sometimes other things block your ability to fully do. .

What is your Algebra? What is the thing that someone else can do far better than you? LET it go- It’s okay to not be good at everything!

Your title isn’t your identity…

Mom, Teacher, Nurse, Chef, CEO, Ballerina… are titles- titles we treasure and often work hard to gain. While they define what we do for large blocks of time, they do not define our identity. These are avenues by which our identity may flow, but they do not solely define us. There is so much more to us than one title!

What happens when you stop being whatever that title is?… do you no longer have purpose? OF COURSE NOT! You will most likely have numerous titles over a lifetime that provide opportunities for you to live out that purpose.

Throughout life your titles, labels and roles will change/evolve, but your purpose/identity will be consistent: it may just look different during different seasons of life.

My Own Crisis

When I was about 35 I injured my back. I was no longer able to perform as a ballerina. Now, for about 20 years that was my title- “Ballerina” and it was really difficult for me to disconnect “ME” from “Ballerina”. To transition out of that mindset I really prayed that God would help take away my NEED to BE a ballerina in order to feel successful or valuable. . My identity very much was wrapped up in that title. The truth was that my title was changing- but not my purpose.

The challenge was that I had associated so much of my worth and value in being a “ballerina”. AND YET- my body was so done… For the first time ever I had to back out of a performance. I attended rehearsals with heat patches on my back hoping I could just get warm enough to work and then I’d cry in pain on the drive home. I couldn’t sit up straight or even sleep because I was in so much pain. I could literally feel my bones grinding against each other… but I wouldn’t stop because I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED being a ballerina!!!!

Aside from the lights, glamour, glitter, tutus… it’s brutal work and to do it for so many years is just A LOT- especially when you add having babies on that. Your body just can only do so much. I struggled those last years to hold it all together!

Clarity and What’s Next?

I began to pray that God would help remove my “NEED” to be on stage, that my heart would let go of this- because I just didn’t want to. One night I was performing Paquita – with my amazing partner of over 10 years and while we stood posed on stage during a section where the company danced… I literally looked across the stage and into the audience and thought, “this is it… I’m done… and it’s okay. This isn’t all I am and it’s okay to be done”.

I DID FINISH that performance! and strong- I remember thinking what a celebration right now! I’m done and I’m so happy and GOD IS SO GOOD to meet me in this moment and give me grace for my heart to move to what is next!

My purpose in ballet was (and is) to creatively use movement to express emotions and stories for people to enjoy and grow from. As a “Ballerina” that came out in the action of performing. As a “choreographer”, “teacher”, “director” – the purpose still is the same- it just looks different. While there are aspects of performance/training that I miss, I have such a larger platform now to influence and inspire!

If we wrap our identity in one title we could TOTALLY miss so many other opportunities from which our purpose could flow from us!

Finding it…

Specifically finding where your gifts and passions meet God’s heart for people is where you find these answers.

There are tons of resources out there to help you narrow down, identify, focus, dream, and define a statement of purpose. The actual statement probably isn’t as important as the process of praying, seeking, investigating and reflecting on exactly what God has put you here to uniquely partner with HIM to do.

I worked on this on a mission trip in Ireland about 18 years ago. I had a ton of notes, a gifting test, a prayer journal, and a friend/mentor. After some time, I composed a statement. Then I reworded a few things, looked for better descriptive words to make it more “me” and then ran with it! I even adjust it a bit from time to time when I discover more about myself! There was not a voice from heaven booming down telling me this statement… but the process of spending time asking God got me there.

Here’s Mine- To use hospitality, arts and creativity to inspire and create opportunity for others to explore their relationship with God and bring glory to Christ.

Choices Become Easier

When you have this purpose in mind, choices become easier. If it lines up with your statement you consider the possibility far more than things that do not. You have this filter with which you can look at things and determine if it’s something that is uniquely you!

Resources

Here are a few resources that can help, but remember the real resource is time talking to the One that made you! The first one is what I used to get started… the second is helping me fine tune and redefine 20 years later!

YOU NEED BOTH OF THESE BOOKS IN YOUR LIFE

This post contains affiliate links, which means I receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you, if you make a purchase using this link.

Special thanks to Richard Rejino for all the dance photography that captured that wonderful time of my life. Now he captures my students as they carry on from here!

Best date nights in North Dallas- low budget

My husband and I went to this little pizza place in Frisco called Blaze Pizza. Then went to Nebraska Furniture Mart so we could “wish shop” without the kids.- Emily Jobe
Make dinner together then have a picnic on a blanket in the back yard, then play board games! -Alison Peerson
Kylde Warren Park often has free dance classes and concerts! Then dinner at the food trucks or bring a picnic! – Alexandra Sutherland
We both enjoy active hobbies and love to kayak and hike with our dog. Both are great opportunities to stack exercise, picnic by the lake, reflection, and laughter. -Nathalie Dowsey
One of those cooking classes at night at Central Market! – Kelli Jones
Dessert date! We literally go to a restaurant we like and order dessert and chat. -Njiba Tirado
Pick a book you will read together. Go to a coffee shop & discuss the book – Njiba Tirado
Rearrange the furniture, order takeout and watch a movie- Leia Hardimon
Driving Date- Pick a scenic route or boring road and drive together while listening to favorite jams and talking -Njiba Tirado
A picnic and/or a walk in the park. It gives us time to chill, talk and enjoy each other without the loud background noise (and expense) of a restaurant. When it’s too hot or cold to be outside, we modify and stroll the mall and then eat in the food court ! – Abby Foreman

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