What are the top character traits you want in your kids?
Let’s be honest, no one wants to instill amazing character in your kids more than you, but how do you get from the concept of honesty to the practice of being honest?
Writing down the goal is so much different than actually seeing the behavior being lived out in your children.
Today’s blog is an exercise… so get out a pad of paper, schedule a conversation with your spouse (or parenting team) and let’s strategically make a plan!
The Goal
Before we make the strategy we have to have the goal. The big picture. What are the 12 character traits you want to develop in your kids this year? Scratch out a list… it can change- but it’s a point to start from.
Here are a few links with ideas if you are stuck. https://afineparent.com/building-character/good-character-traits.html
The Steps
- Define the trait in a way kids can understand. For example, we wanted to teach selflessness… so we created the phrase: “Care more about others than you do about yourself.”
- Create activities that teach what this trait is. For our example of selflessness: There are people that don’t have coats… instead of buying an upgrade on this game… lets buy a coat for the guy we see on the corner.
- Repeat the phrase: Over the course of a month repeat the phrase that you created, in every situation and every day. From where we are going to eat, to what movie we are going to see – are you thinking more about others than you are about yourself? and allow your child to find a ways to act it out.
- Praise them: When you see them applying the virtue – LET THEM KNOW. Make your acknowledgement far greater than the actual event- to exaggerate and emphasize how important this is!
- Each week give a little more independence to the application of the virtue.
Week One– Repeat the phrase over and over and over. Have them say it with you. Find opportunities to show them someone modeling that behavior. Point it out when you are using that characteristic. It’s going to feel like you are a broken record. Teaching the virtue through play was always our favorite way. We would play restaurant and I’d be the guest with the “bad” behavior and then we’d talk about it and how CrAzY that guest was!
Week Two– Find the consequences of not having this character trait and point them out. (depending on age – explain appropriately) Teach them to have empathy about people lacking this trait and how it makes others feel. Repeat, repeat, repeat the phrase you’ve made. Keep pointing it out in others and making a big deal with they or you model this behavior.
Week Three– Have them find ways to model the character trait on their own. Make it a challenge to demonstrate this behavior 3 times each day or something like that. Ask questions about why it’s important to be xyz. Ask what happens when we are not xyz. Let them start putting it in their own words
Week Four– Look for wins. Have some kind of small prize or chart to celebrate when they are caught demonstrating that character trait.
Expect behavior change- and have consequences for failures.
Your children are capable of far more than we give them credit for. They need to know that you are expecting certain behaviors out of them – once you have taught and coached them. They need to have consequences for when they fail to exhibit changes in their character- after proper training.
For example, going with the theme of selflessness. IF in week 5 of this trait we see our daughter ignore the request of a friend to play a certain game when they are over for a play date…. we might pull the child aside and remind them of the virtue OR we might wait and say after… you chose to only do your way today and not think of others… so you need to find 3 ways to honor that friend and what he/she loves next week when we get together.
FALSE IDEAS (Trust me… these will pop up in your mind)
I think the most difficult thing to overcome is the idea that they don’t understand yet. Even children that are not verbal can understand discipline. Thinking we will tackle this when they are older is a terrible mistake. Even if you don’t capture the FULL meaning of a trait… it is far better to have started it at 3 than to have waited until 13.
Second, thinking that you need to work on 3-5 traits at a time is overwhelming. Yes, there are lots of things we want/need to train in our children, but you have time. Mastering one and making it a family focus for a whole 4 weeks makes it become a natural part of your life together. Next month, start the new training and keep reviewing back to previous months when you see an opportunity arise. In a few months you will have 3-5 phrases to use and quickly remind your child of an entire month of character training.
Labeling a child as unable or limited in an area is wrong! Never underestimate what your kids are capable of and do not put them in boxes – “insensitive”, “lazy”, “whiny” — These will become who they are if this is what you label and expect them to achieve. Instead, help them to grow and reject some of that negative behavior in exchange for positive, uplifting behavior.
The story behind the picture… This is my bold, brave, outgoing, fast paced, tough daughter. At a recent outreach event at a local church she was in charge of helping the narrators make their cues. One of the girls forgot a small portion of a line and was devastated. The child some could label “insensitive” wrapped her arms around that young girl and let her cry. She assured her no one knew the mistake and got her ready for her next cue. Compassion is something we work on – and on this day- it shone through Alexa’s awesome reaction to a tough situation.
It’s NOT too late! No matter how old your kids are, if they are still living with you – you have the ability and responsibility to invest in this! Obviously, this looks different for older children and if you’ve done some of the tough work when they are little you can refer back to those concepts when building more mature understandings of the application of that character trait.
Even just this week, I had a conversation with my 15 and 13 year old about etiquette when we host an event. They know the basics… but I stepped it up a notch. Telling them how to scan the room and make sure everyone is having a good time, has a drink, isn’t alone. We talked about walking a guest to the door to say goodbye and finding ways to connect people that might not know as many of the guests.
